Growing up I’ve always been a big girl but size and race was never an issue for me, so I thought. Until I reached secondary school, at this time I began to notice that being light skinned or mixed race was deemed as attractive while having brown skin or dark skin wasn’t good enough. At this point I realised that society’s idea of beauty was a slim, light eyed, curly haired, light skinned female, basically everything I wasn’t. The only attribute I had that others didn’t was a large chest and behind which boys fetishised.
Upon being told that only guys with ‘fat black girl fetishes’ would find me attractive, my self-confidence and self-esteem diminished. I could only find myself attractive if I heard it from a guy, who inevitably just wanted me for my body or whatever else he could get from me. I carried this mentality with me for years until one day I stopped to think. What do I gain from lowering my standards and allowing men to treat any type of way because I felt ‘lucky’ to have someone?
It was at that moment that I came to understand what I was missing, self-respect and self-awareness. I didn’t understand my worth or the exceptionally unique beauty and power that comes with being a black woman. I have so much more than a body and the kind of love I have to give is far too precious to waste. Looking back now, years later I can finally say that I feel overcome with pride to be a big black woman. I have power beyond belief (yes that comes with some extra meat on the side) and standards set as high as they can be because I know my worth, being the queen that I am. It’s time for me to step into my birth right and create my queendom. Thus, the diary of Melanin Monroe project is so special to me, because I want other queens to know your worth and know that it’s okay celebrate yourself. It’s time to step into your birth right. ~ N
“I’m more of a conditional loving person. I’ve got some boundaries because the kind of love that I have to give, you I can’t just give away freely to those who don’t understand or respect what they’re getting in return” ~ Sarah Jakes Roberts